All at once, you look across a crowded room for no one in particular, just looking. Suddenly, you see him, but, oh, how many times you've seen him before. So why did your heart just skip a beat? Your eyes meet by mere coincidence, or is it? At that moment you both instantly know that the relationship between the two of you, will never be the same again.

- From the movie MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING

IS IT LOVE OR LUST?

LOVE... is a DECISION
that involves loyalty and commitment even when feelings and emotions change; unconditional. Love comes from the Greek word Agape.

              [Agape: love that is selfless, unconditional]

Have you heard the term "crushin' on someone" - well, as we know that translates into thinking about that person a lot, or even thinking you are in love with that person. This could be people they know or people that they have never met - even stars like Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba, Johnny Knoxville, Ashton Kutcher or Ludacris.

Lust...is a FEELING. It is selfish and “all about me.” It looks more for what it can get than what it can give. With lust, you might hear, “I’ll love you IF….” or “If you loved me then you would...”

Is love just a feeling? (No) If love is just a feeling you can’t ever promise “I’ll love you forever.” Feelings come and go and you can’t promise to feel the same for the rest of your life. Can you imagine?

Love involves feelings but it’s more than that. Love is a decision. It’s a choice you make.

Now, before we go on, I have to tell you a couple of things about “Love” and “Lust”…

“Makin’ love” doesn’t make it love!

Is love just a feeling, guys, or do our feelings come and go? (come and go). Love is a decision. I love you. Period. End of story. Love is wanting what’s BEST for the other person. Love also protects from any harm, danger or risk of harm!” Real love is unconditional love. Real love says “I will never do anything to hurt you, and you will be a better person because I loved you.”

So remember, sometimes Lust Sounds Like Love, but it’s not!

Sexual Progression

We all know about gravity – it’s a natural physical law! Whether or not I believe that gravity exists doesn’t change the FACT that gravity does exist. Well, there are natural laws at work in relationships too, and we’re going to look at some of them.

Let’s take a look at how things progress into sexual activity. Unlike the movies, in REAL life, there are actual steps that usually occur before people end up having sexual intercourse. Have you ever heard anyone say... "it just happened..." - Well, the truth is it didn't- some steps went on before the act occured.

In summary, what they didn't do was ... "draw the line." Should we wait 'til the heat of the moment to decide where we're going to draw the line? Or do we need to do that way ahead of time?  Bingo!  We need to draw the line ahead of time.

Notice that guys and girls are aroused at two different points. It’s a fact that guys and girls are different and this is just one of the many ways. Girls are like ovens. Takes awhile to heat up. Guys are like microwaves. Instant on! The reason this is so vital is that you need to be aware of what happens chemically to your body when you get aroused. Your drive goes up and your ability to make decisions goes down which is a dangerous combination. It’s vital to draw a clear line and make a decision when you’re thinking clearly. Otherwise it’s like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry.

It is totally possible to stop at any point here. It’s important to remember personal boundaries.

Finally, what do you think is the most important part of our story, from the word ‘meet’ all the way up to ‘sexual intercourse’? I’ll give you a hint. It’s the only part of the whole thing that takes more than 15 minutes. BEING TOGETHER!

The most important thing you can do to develop a healthy relationship is to spend time with each other, get to know one another. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out this part! These first steps can take weeks, months, or even years. These last few steps usually take about 30 minutes or less.

Okay - there are 168 hours in every week. When you get married, out of those 168 hours, you’re realistically only going to spend a couple of hours a week having sex. (Yes, there are exceptions!)

Romance is about mastering all of these steps and we’re supposed to go through each of these steps slowly. But so many couples just blow right through here. That’s why a lot of married couples end up getting divorced – because of a lack of good communication! And guys, good communication is the foundation for a healthy relationship! (One of the main reasons for divorce is lack of communication/not getting along = irreconcilable differences.)

Back to drawing and holding your line! Communicate your boundaries up front! Then you don’t have to worry if he, or she, is going to try to make a move. It forces both of you to reveal who you REALLY are to each other. Boundaries don’t limit a relationship, they actually liberate it. You can relax and just be yourself.

CONCLUSION:
1. Communicate your boundaries ahead of time.

2. Stop BEFORE arousal takes place.

Healthy Dating Steps...

So, how does this work in real life. What does “going out” really mean? It might mean one thing to one person and something TOTALLY different to another. People use all sorts of terms like “we’re just hangin out,” or “they are serious”, but my favorite is “they’re talking”. Then there’s some messed up ideas like we’ve mentioned before, like “Friends with Benefits” and all that junk.

Let’s take a look at HEALTHY dating steps. Now, you know that dating is designed to FAIL, right? At least every single time but ONCE when you finally decide to get married. So we know that dating is a time intended to figure out what is important to us in relationships. It is important not to skip over any steps if we want to have the best marriage relationship possible. (see definitions on illustration to right)

1. Same Gender Friends
2. Opposite-Gender Friends
3. Friendly Dating
4. Steady Friendly Dating
5. Serious Steady Dating
6. Engagement
7. Marriage

Adding sex to the mix in a dating relationship can complicate things in a marriage...IIt’s important to keep a healthy and realistic perspective about dating, or it can really break your heart (see the statistic to the right).

In the book Dateable, the authors help us to realize some awesome dating truths to help us “keep it real” while in a relationship.

Out of 100 married people asked:

• 22 said that they married their high school crush…
• Out of those 22 people , 17 got divorced.
• So 5 out of 100 people between the ages of 18 and 89 are still married to their high school crush. 

So why do we say, “Save sex for marriage?” Everyone is saying this but, really, why is it so important? That’s what we’re going to talk about last of all.

Love....

Do you think about marriage? Would you marry someone you don’t love? Or someone who doesn’t love you?

We know some of the differences between love and lust. Let’s look a little closer at real love….  (Covered in our Marriage & Intimacy Section)

Boy Meets Girl

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Did You Know...

50% of teen relationships break up within 6 months

Source: (2) 14 and Younger. 2003. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.